The Top Ten Things I've Learned About Men
78This is my story, and I’m sticking to it.
I don’t know everything there is to know about men. But sometimes, it’s okay if there’s some mystery left to one of my favorite subjects on Earth.
I grew up on a migrant camp along the Sacramento River Delta. My father let me tag along and watch him work with his crews as they harvested pears from a 100-year-old orchard. When I was old enough, my dad let me pick pears alongside his men. It took me a day to fill a bin of pears, but he had his forklift driver move my bin of pears around the orchard until I filled it with pears. As a child, it was the hardest $7 I had to work for.
Daddy was an immigrant from the Philippines who ran away to Hawaii at 16. He worked as a water boy on the sugar cane and pineapple plantations. By the 1920s, he was working the migrant camps as a farm laborer from California to Montana and proudly became a United States citizen.
He was 47 when I was born. You could say I was his first legitimate child. I was Daddy’s Girl, and although my father died in 1999, I still appreciate his wisdom. He gave me a work ethic. He pushed me to be a leader and the boss of my life. And, he never told me it was a Man’s World. As long as he was alive, he would see to it that I graduated from college and not “graduate in diapers.”
I spent most of my life surrounded by men. Yet, I can’t say I know everything about them. I would rather work in a male-dominated profession because men don’t coddle the women. They expect team work, and if you show up and act up, you may as well go home. There is no room for tears and manipulation when you work with men. They will tell you how they feel about you, and when they’re done getting their point across, they’ll turn around and say, “Come on. Let’s get this job done.”
No hard feelings. Let’s move on.
Being around men has not kept me from making many mistakes when it comes to relationships. But I must say I’ve been up, down and knocked to the ground. Like the Aretha Franklin song, “I’ve been kicked through the goal post of life.” I have always picked myself up and moved on, but no matter how bad the relationships ended, I will never be bitter about the men I've danced with in the past.
I decided a long time ago that I would have a man to share my life, and I had hope that I would find him one of these years. I’ve found that when I am alone, I usually am on the prowl and looking for love in all the wrong places. I couldn’t see myself on some bar stool at 65. When I’m by myself, I get into all kinds of trouble.
Say, if I married someone like my dear old dad, I would be miserable. Again. Although my father was great as my dad and my friend, he was a lousy husband. He was King, and my mother and his children scrambled to please him. We did what he wanted because he was The King. This is not what I want for me. I worked with men, so I have a good idea of what I want. Basically, I want that team player. And when a couple works together and usually is on the same page, expect to accomplish a lot during the relationship. Expect spending most of your time happy.
I was a Young and Dumb Girl, when at 28, I thought I was marrying my Prince Charming at a Reno chapel. By the time I was 40, I couldn’t deny I had married an abusive toad. I received my divorce three days before 9/11 and walked away from the marriage with my pride and my maiden name. There was a chance I would have been paying alimony, but that didn’t happen. If I did, I would have paid it. I would have done anything to leave him.
I was married for the second time at 49. This man is my last and final husband. It is also a marriage of convenience because now I have lifelong maintenance for my truck and my computers as long as we stay married. If I find myself on the hunt for a 3rd husband, he’d better be younger, better looking and smarter than the one before him because if you’re gonna call me a Cougar, this is the only way I operate.
All kidding aside, for once, I finally did get it right and found me a keeper this time.
Like the men I used to work with, I can also proudly say, “I know what I got at home.”
Here my Top Ten Things I’ve Learned About Men:
There’s always a story behind the man.
Men are usually excellent storytellers. That is, if you can get them to talk. If you listen closely, there’s exaggeration and a little more bragging. But only men can take a so-so tale, make a story interesting and hold your attention. Of course, in all their stories, they seem to work themselves in as the hero.
A man in a uniform is the most attractive man in the world.
My husband works a grunt job, but everyone at his workplace has to wear a uniform. The kind with his name embroidered on the shirt or on a patch above his heart. A man in a uniform looks sharp because nothing is out of place. He is not this ordinary man wandering the streets because the uniform says he is part of something.
In Sacramento, I am always on the lookout for that California Highway Patrolman. First, I’m checking on my speed so I don’t get a ticket. But the rest of the time, I’m looking to see how he looks in his uniform and how he struts his stuff while pulling someone over. Sure, there are all kinds of men in uniforms, but that’s an example of local color for me. When a man is dressed in a uniform, he looks sharp.
Don’t be a Young and Dumb Girl. Choose the man who is also your best friend.
How many bad boys and lost boys can a woman go through? These are the type of men only Young and Dumb Girls are attracted to and will date or marry. If a woman is smart, she will end up with a best friend as a boyfriend, lover or husband. You can depend on this man because he is the true gentleman who listens, opens doors for you, shows affection, and takes care of your wants and needs. He is the man everyone trusts and values because you can always depend on him. He will always be there.
Men practice mindful thinking and do one thing at a time.
One of the definitions of mindful thinking is to concentrate on doing one thing at a time. By doing this, it is a guarantee that a man will begin a task and finish it. Although women are known for multi-tasking, men usually concentrate on the work in front of them until it is finished. Once they complete a project, they move to the next project. Even Tiger Woods and George Clooney take on one woman at a time. But since I'm not in their shoes and I'm not a man, what would I know?
A confident man appreciates and respects women.
A confident man appreciates and respects women. He allows a woman to be the individual that she is. An insecure man will try to control a woman. He will always want to know where she’s at or who she’s with. He will make fun of her and make her feel worthless. He thinks nothing of using his strength to hit, kick, punch or throw things at her.
When men get together, they are known for their pissing contests.
Whether it’s his six pack, the shiny new sports car, the attractive woman on his arm or his kid who just made first string on the football team, a man is proud to show off what he’s got. When men get together, they try to outdo each other on who caught the biggest fish or who bagged the biggest game. If he’s got the item with him or it’s within walking distance, he is proud to show it off and maybe throw in a story. If he is proud of his girlfriend, wife or kid, he’ll introduce them to his buddies.
Old men impress with their possessions and the contents of their wallets.
When a man is old and feels he is no longer a candidate for the dating scene because his looks are gone, his last ditch effort to attract attention are his possessions, what he’s got in his wallet or both. He is a prime candidate to become Sugar Daddy for a much younger woman who only wants him for his wallet and a guarantee that he will take care of her. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee the woman will stay. So this is why we accept famous old geezers with beautiful younger women. They’re telling us, by having her, he’s still got it. We don’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that it’s his wallet and stock portfolio that’s attractive.
The man is the job, his possessions and maybe you.
Most men go to work to earn their money and can be the job. They define their lives as having the ability to work, buy what is needed for their lifestyle and maybe coming home to companionship. The term, companionship, can come in the form of a girlfriend, wife, partner, cat or dog. The question is: “Where do you fit into his life if you see yourself with this man?”
Men keep things simple at work and at home.
Unlike women, most men do not feel the need to analyze things to death or shift into drama. During an argument, most men are not known to dredge up the past and say, “Remember when you did that?” If women want to make their men miserable, try this. Just say, “I told you so” when he falls flat on his face.
Don’t play games. When you speak to a man, do not use a voice which has a nagging twang to it. Men who are confident about themselves won’t take on high maintenance women or put up with the behavior. High maintenance men or women cannot be pleased and are toxic personalities who make the people around them miserable. The only thing they are good for is crazy making.
Never tell a man what to do while he is on his mission.
A man who practices mindful thinking and does one task at a time will not appreciate getting interrupted by anyone or anything. When he starts his mission, he does not want you to pop in with requests you can do yourself or can wait until he is free. For instance, if he is a wrencher and is working on his car’s engine, don’t ask him to mow the lawn or take the garbage out. Do not demand that he drop everything to do it now. If you slaved over the stove and fixed a perfect gourmet meal suitable for a cooking show, don’t be surprised if he’s late. If the work is important to him, expect him to get carried away. Put your masterpiece of a meal in the fridge for him to microwave.
So there’s my Top Ten Things I’ve Learned About Men. And here’s my bonus #11 as my parting gift, aimed at the Young and Dumb Girl:
If you think you’ve found the man who will enhance your life, don’t be a Young and Dumb Girl and take on a project. If you wake up one morning and see a useless blob sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for breakfast, it’s on you. Before you commit to any relationship, make sure you aren’t going to spend your time fixing, changing or enabling any man. I’ve seen it again and again, and I’ve done it myself. If you think your love for a man will make him lose all of his faults or make him love you and stay with you, you’re dead wrong. If you don’t value yourself for the individual that you are, forget about taking on a partner. Work on knowing yourself and your goals in life. Otherwise, if you latch onto a man with the hope that you will become one and as one, live life happily ever after, go ahead and live in stupidity and regret. Many women have not learned this and because of their dance with denial, are doing it now.
Whether a man is standing a few feet away from me or I read his work as a writer, I can spot a strong, confident man. But that comes with experience.
And if I were still a single woman, I would be headed his way.
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The 10 Top Things I've Learned About MenLoading...
The way you write, Reno man, I would follow you anywhere. Hey, don't you think I should work on my novel sometime soon? That sucker on men was 2,000+ words! But it was a pleasure writing it. When it comes to the way a man dresses, I really can't say anything, ThoughtSandwiches since I live in my jammies and bathrobe. I only get into my souvenir T-shirt (like the Whoop Ass man) and thrift store jeans if I need to leave the house. Since HubPages, I only go out for shopping and appointments. Hey! I still need to catch up with your new writing series. I am way behind with the Hub reading, but I'll get around TUIT.
Hey dear...to be honest...I would have thought you were already half way through your novel considering how prolific you are!! I have two novel ideas bumbling about...neither topic seems to work well with my 'emerging' voice...we shall see. On the latest series...yeah..it piled it at close to 8,000 words...wtf, over? On that recent effort I should warn you Arlene (what with your LE background)...there are some illegal drug references. Please don't tell that CHP guy if he pulls you over.
I'm telling you. This HubPages is a major distraction. I do have a novel in my head. Since 2008, but I am not organized. I had an outline for it last year, but now I don't like it. I drive like a little old lady and haven't been stopped by the CHP since 2000. I had just gotten off work and was out the gate at 80 mph. Had a skinny redhead officer pull me over and tell me this, but he let me go. You are safe. I only admire these guys from afar. Anyway, I find myself home most of the time these days. It doesn't matter. I can spend my pension money at home just as easily as if I'm out and about. It doesn't matter. I can still sit on my hands and spend money. It is what it is.
I agree with majority of your points. You have had a good research I guess. Although, regarding the show-off thing, I am not too sure. I guess, most men prefer to keep their secrets and success to themselves only. I think women are much more prominent in this regard. I am pretty much sure that men aren't that much of show-off. Other people men's thoughts will lead us to a conclusion :P
Anyways, an excellent hub :)
Hey there, Hunbbel Meer, I appreciate your comments and insights. My last job followed an "in your face" kind of atmosphere which dealt with plenty of confrontation. In other words, "the squeaky wheel always gets the grease." I can't speak for men, since I certainly not am one. Not that I would try. But I've run into many men and women who are very proud of the fruits of their labor and will show you what they've got. They will show off their good looks. They will be proud of their friends and families and will tell you about them or show you the pictures in their wallets. Nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about all men. We all have our own POV's, but I do know you can't expect all men to act the same way. I am aware of them as individuals, but since I don't personally know all of them, I can only give a list of what I have observed over the years.. Thanks!
Very well said, I must say. I like controversy. So, naturally, I was looking for something wrong with your "Top Ten Things...". I didn't find one misperception. You nailed these ten things square on the head.
Congratulations! You wrote a hub that is accurate.
R
Why, thank you for your comments and the compliment, ElSeductor! I was reading your profile, and your writing about a man getting involved with a married woman and making a rule NOT falling in love with her. Hmmmm. I take it you like getting involved with married women? Hmmmmm. That goes for anyone rebounding, too. Off they go when they get their bearings! Been there, done that, too! Anyway, I know what I like about men. And I am blessed to have been around them most of my life. I won't deal with passive-aggressive or high maintenance women, by the way. And I won't respect any man who does. I had my fill of those women when I worked with them in the pool and during charity functions. Eewwwww!!! They can't seem to get it together and get past the petty stuff. But I did enjoy working with men. They refused to take my crap! But, I did try! Thanks, again!
Hello Arlene,
Yes, I do enjoy getting involved with married women. There are so many mutual benefits. The intention is never to hurt the husband; far from it. Done correctly, everybody wins, even the husband. I can't tell you how many marriages I have improved and/or saved. The lover has a lot of control over the wife. The unselfish lover can be a counselor, showing the woman how to be a better wife.
R
ElSeductor: I do appreciate your point of view. I have made plenty of mistakes in my relationships, but as a married woman, I don't play. But, as a woman whose marriage died three years before the divorce, the word, "separation" allowed me to date. But not really move on because I rebounded into someone who was not going to be a permanent fixture in my life. In other words, I took on a mess and another man who wanted to be taken care of. Ewwwww. I get into trouble all the time and somehow get myself out of it. Well, it can only add to the writing down the road, right? But thank you for your point of view. I haven't thought of it that way. Personally, if I went as far as seeing a man outside of my marriage, that's telling me that the marriage is over. I don't want to improve my marriage. My actions in seeking another man means that I want OUT.
Arlene, you represent the minority. Most married women want to maintain the family unit. Sadly, it comes at the expense of their happiness and sexual satisfaction. That is where men like me come into the picture. We provide what these married women are missing. We give them the sexual satisfaction that they need in order to balance the role they play in their homes. If most women were like you, then I would be out of business. ;)
R
Hahahaha. Well, Elseductor, again, thank you for your point of view and explaining this a little more. Since my dad was my role model, I have been accused by many women as being selfish for what I wanted. I have always made myself #1 and it is beneath me, as a woman, to play that role of a martyr. Since I have no children, I don't feel the need to hang onto the family unit and sacrifice my wants and needs like some women do. Taking on an lover would be a distraction and another loss to walk away from down the road. But at the same time, I will not set an example for my children (if I had any) that my decisions in life have made me (and them) miserable. I don't care for women who stay in abusive relationships for the sake of the children. It is only teaching their children that abuse is okay in a relationship. And, I've worked around men and boys who have grown up in abusive home environments, only to become victims and abusers themselves. I was in a abusive relationship. I have nothing against women making their own decisions since people are going to do what they are going to do. I find it tragic when children are involved. Yes, I was hoping I was in the majority of women who leave not-so-wonderful marriages. I was glad I had the guts to step out of mine. But, I'm sure you are glad that you have the skills needed here and will always have job security. Thanks again!
Great Hub. My only comment is about the old sugar daddy's. He knows its his wallet she is interested in, and he probably does not want her to hang around too long. I think your reasoning is mostly correct. There are other reasons to do such a thing. In Anna Nicole Smith's case, I am convinced that billionaire did it to irritate his family.
Hey, Leroy! Thank you for your comments! Yeah, that Anna Nicole Smith was something else, huh? But, that billionaire was no dummy. I do agree with you. He had reasons for getting with Anna Nicole in the first place. Personally, I would not find it fun to be with a near-corpse. I am not one of those women who want a man to take care of me, but some women do like that sort of thing. I have locked horns with men older than me. I don't like control or someone always telling me what to do. That's when I run in the opposite direction. I have known some women who will settle for older guys to take care of them. Yecccch. Have plenty of those in my family. Have friends like that, too. But it's the age difference. What would you do for FUN? Other than get him to spend money on you? Hahahahahahaha.
Well spoken...great words of advice.
All this advice also goes out the window when my husband does something like scrape the tines of his fork against his dinner plate. It always seems to happen when we go out to eat. He also wears a lot of his meals on this shirts. Which is why I am glad they invented SHOUT.
Great hub! I have got to say that I agree with the majority of your "things" :) I wrote a guide not long ago on understanding guys from my perpective. Link: http://wriben04.hubpages.com/hub/TheGuidetoUnderst
Thumbs up! :)
Okay, thanks for the comments, Wriben04. I did read your work and your POV. So where's your profile photograph and bio?
Thanks for reading, Arlene V.Poma :). Basicly I have recently just got re-involved with hubpages and my old picture was over 2 years old, yet to find a decent modern one, and obviously everything needs updating :)
Great! I have this thing for profiles and photographs because I don't have an idea on who is writing. Not that I can because you can be anyone you want to be online. During an online writing class, I took on the identity of a well-to-do San Francisco man for 6 weeks. By the time class was over, I had several women in love with me.
quite true. quite true :)
Thank you, pooilum. There is something so attractive about that "Best Friend" of a man. Bad Boys and Lost Boys just don't cut it because they are so disappointing. If a woman is smart, she'll find herself a best friend for a boyfriend or husband. I'm not letting go of mine!
Fun post!! It is one of my missions to help women stop acting like "Young and Dumb Girl." Sounds like you figured out all the important things and now you get to enjoy your marriage. Congratulations.
Thank you, savvydating. Let me tell you. I've come a long, long way. Good for you in your guidance of young women. From personal experience and talking to other women, when wisdom concerning dating, men and sex do not exist in a household as you are growing up, you will find out on your own. Most of the time, without proper guidance, your "discoveries" are very painful and traumatic. Lots of hearts to be broken, and some women either repeat the same mistakes or don't even try to find a lasting relationship. Thank you for your comments! Good luck with your mission, too!
Great Hub. I really like your direct no-nonsense writing style. I'm sure you got that from your dad. The way men communicate and think can be quite refreshing. My partner is very direct and a typical man in all the ways you mention. I particularly like the way men can be very direct with each other and it's all out in the open. Then they decide to move on and not hold grudges. Women could learn a lot about being honest with their feelings. It's just hard sometimes because for me, my feelings and those of other people matter a lot more than being brutally honest. Which makes women and myself sometimes suppress their true feelings and put themselves 2nd all the time. Learning to be calm and assertive has been a great thing for me as I've got older. And learning to have shoulders when faced with negative feedback or directness has been good. It all comes down as you say to having good self confidence and self esteem. Great hub!
Thank you so much for your comments and insights, Rufus rambles. Years ago, I was doing some volunteer work that involved dressing up (and thinking) like a woman from Victorian times. Unfortunately, with everything that is offered to the women of today, I find it truly a shame that young girls are still being taught to be people pleasers. Like being so nice all of the time, staying in the backgound, not speaking up, and putting yourself last. My father raised me to be selfish and to go after whatever I wanted in life. I find it so unfortunate that a lot of women think there's nothing to life other than being someone's wife, mother or grandmother. But if you buy into those roles, you buy into those roles. Therefore, when you don't live for you or even try, I'm sure you're going to wonder "what could have been" down the road. In retirement, I find a lot of old, bitter women who regret spending all those years focusing on everything and everyone. A lot of time wasted when they could have worked on themselves, their dreams and what they wanted out of life. Pity!
I am lucky I have such a great role-model of a mother. She has achieved the top of her career and is recognized by men and women in her field internationally. Yet she has also been the most amazingly nurturing, caring mother I could ever have been blessed with. Of course this has meant she has almost zero time for herself and all she does is work, take care of her aging mother, support her family etc. all as a single mother. She is truly a superwoman. While her life has been very hard - I know she feels that she has achieved what she wanted in both her work and family life. If I can be half the woman she is I will feel blessed. Thanks for such an inspiring hub.
Rufus rambles, it's all in the roll of the dice at times. I had two parents pulling me in different directions. One of them wanted college and career for me (no marriage or children), and the other one wanted me in frilly clothes and a tutu. It was quite confusing, but there comes a time when the decisions concerning your life is all on you. Now, I can sit back and laugh at all my "struggles." I am truly enjoying this time in my life where I don't need to prove a thing. It's all gravy!
Sounds great! It's nice to hear someone who is so happy with where they are in their life :)
Aw, it only took YEARS!
Love you sense of humor in this useful hub. I think many of us have learned through trial and error what not to do. What is it about us that makes us think we can change them. It's backwards to want to change someone you love. Glad you found your right guy.
Thank you, Minnetonka Twin. In a perfect world, I would love to see people happy. It may or may not involve a partner, longtime boyfriend/girlfriend, lover or spouse. Or not! I guess you have to find your own way. There are so many mistakes to be made if you refuse to learn from experience. The worse thing you can do is think that your love and caring will change a person. But when you find that "keeper," just hang on! Don't you love it when things "click" between two people? Not very many people experience this and keep the relationship going strong for years. That's what I wanted for me, and I finally got it.
Yippee to you Arlene for finding that right person. Like you said, you don't need to have a spouse or long time partner to be happy. We all find our way. I've been living with my twin sister and her two kids for eight years now and it's been some of the best years of my life. Sis and I make a great team raising her kids and we have a lot of fun too! It's a blessing to be living with my best friend.
I strongly believe that relationships are everything. I'm sure you've found that out, too. I've always heard that twins always have a special bond. I also believe in having that inner circle of family and friends that are so crucial to love and support. I'm no Material Girl. I don't worship money or things. I find a lot of peace being around good people. In the animal world, dogs and horses are my totems. Dogs for their loyalty. Horses for their beauty. I have had my share of men that did not deserve me. You have to be selective when it comes to anyone that you'll have around you. But if you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them, that's all that counts. I didn't give up hope because I really wanted to share my life with someone. Actually, I get into trouble when I'm alone!
Ha-Love your last line about getting into trouble when your alone. Now imagine the trouble twin sisters (who are best friends)can get into. LOL
At least when you have a twin to back your play (or even looks like you to take the fall occasionally), you can share the trouble. Double Trouble! I look guilty whether I've done anything wrong or not. But I do believe you make choices. You either find and latch onto someone. Or you're okay with going solo. I knew if I lived alone in apartment, I wouldn't want to be there because I didn't want to go home. It's the same thing when you've made the wrong choice in a mate. Until you face the fact that it's not working, you find all kinds of excuses not to go home. I used to do endless overtime. I lived at my job.
ThoughtSandwiches Level 7 Commenter 8 months ago
So...does a concert t-shirt, cargo-shorts and flip-flops...constitute a uniform? Excellent work Arlene...this has caused me to pause and think if I could fill a list of things I know about women...it occurs to me anything written would be an exercise in flash fiction!