Making Good-By Forever

It seems like people in the United States put more effort in test driving a car they want to purchase than choosing a mate or a close friend. After experiencing many failed relationships, including a divorce, I made a vow to test drive my lovers and friends. To avoid wasting time and heartache, I would observe the people I wanted to keep close to me. I would watch how they treated strangers, friends and family. This certainly wasn’t a bullet-proof guarantee for lasting relationships, but it was a start.

In a failed relationship, the word, good-by, can either be a blessing or a curse. When you are the person who dumps another person, you have all the power because you leave first and may or may not feel any guilt. The person who gets dumped has it harder. When you get to the conversation, email, phone call, text, Facebook post or whatever it took to dump you, there you sit in disbelief and shock. You have no way to express your feelings because you are the one who was dumped, and you are forced to stay dumped.

Unless, of course, you happen to like crying and begging for the person to come back to you.

“I’ll do whatever you want!”

“I can’t live without you!”

“You’ll never find anyone like me!”

Where have we heard this, before?

Good-by is a powerful word. And when it comes to dating, marriage and friendships, good-by has a ring of finality to it.

“When you say good-by to anyone or if they say good-by to you, make it forever,” my father told me as we stood in his vegetable garden some 30 years ago. He had caught me crying over getting dumped for the first time by a college beau.

“Life,” he said softly, “is not the movies.”

Out of all the wisdom my father passed onto me before he died, making good-by forever is what I’ve been sticking to all of these years. My father was right. Life is not like the movies, where most of the relationships in conflict end up in happy endings, marriages and children. As a nation, we are force fed on happy endings, beginning with fairy tales and soap operas. But despite our high divorce rate, the thought of a lasting, happy marriage seems to be one of the goals in life, but not the end product.

The thing is, a boyfriend is a boyfriend is a boyfriend. Personally, I'm not going to hang around and watch you with the "clean up" woman who comes after me. Don't ask me to be your friend and stick around just in case the "clean up" woman doesn't work out. I like to think I'm a hard act to follow, so don't ask me to be your friend when at one time, you were the love of my life and I was yours.

If you are a female friend of mine, you are a lot tougher to let go than any man I have been with. You, my dear friend, had once shared my dreams and all my secrets, and I hope I did the same for you. To let you go, I kid you not. I'm not laying blame, but my heart is in a million pieces. But if you are the one to ask me to leave, I'm stepping back to let you go.

People will argue with me and say I’m wrong when it comes to making good-by forever. Saying good-by to a spouse, partner, lover or a friend is a hard thing to do. And it is just as hard when they say good-by to you. Breaking up is painful, but you have to feel the pain before you move on. If you hide the pain, stuff it, drown it in alcohol or immediately get into a rebound relationship, you are only extending your pain. When you hide from pain, you are simply being a coward.

Good-by is not a word you should throw around carelessly or fear. When the word, good-by, is uttered in any of my relationships, there is no turning back for me. I cut off all communication with the person and anything which reminds me of this person immediately goes into the trash. In my mind, I picture this person in the trash can, and by the time the trash is taken away on trash day, I have faced the fact that I won’t be calling, writing or texting this person again. I will not go through other friends, asking how this former spouse, lover or friend is doing, nor will I listen to the latest news about this person.

It is over, and I am done. If you tell me good-by, I’m down the road. If I tell you good-by, I expect you to do the same.

In the beginning, I tried giving people a second chance, but all my attempts had failed because the same thing which broke us up in the first place reared its ugly head again and again. In relationships, past history repeats itself. If you can get past your differences and move on without bringing up hurtful subjects from the past, then more power to you.

When it comes down to it, my father knew me well, and for that, I will always be grateful. By taking his advice, I forced myself to purge a part of my life that was over. To hell with denial and trying to make matters look good for the outside world.

There are times when people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes, you are the one who happens to be the one to teach them a life lesson. Let it happen. But once the purpose of this person coming into your life is over, it’s over. If you’re smart, you will know. And, you will move on.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m not grateful for the past relationships in my life. But it is up to me to follow my life journey. It is up to me to figure out what works and doesn’t work for me. At the end of the day, I’m the one to look in the mirror and ask myself:

“Are you happy?”

And the answer better be:

“Yes!”

So out of respect for my former friends and lovers, sometimes cutting them loose or not crying and begging to stay if they ask for their freedom is the most kindest thing I can do. When a relationship dies, there is nothing you can do but let die. To me, it is the last gift of respect and love.