Don't Take It Personal
79Dressed in my new, immaculate uniform, spit-shined Doc Martens and my new badge over my heart, I was a new correctional officer at Pelican Bay State Prison, and it showed.
For my two-year apprenticeship, I spent most of my time in gun towers as a control officer because most officers didn’t want the job. If you worked as a gunner in the Security Housing Unit (SHU), you were always opening doors from a panel or watching staff and inmates dancing around in the pod below you. Unlike being a gunner in the General Population areas, no one came to visit you. You usually ran the unit and worked alone.
For a week, I was gamed by a gangbanger in the unit. Each time he came out for a shower, meds or his once-a-week yard time, he’d run the tier. Meaning he ran the top and bottom tiers and visited with the other inmates. He knew I was new, and he was taking full advantage of it. If I told him to go and lock up, he would hold up his index finger, smile at me, and run to the next cell front.
If you haven’t been keeping up with your National Geographic television programs on the prison system in the United States, the SHU means total lock-up. Inmate movement is controlled.
At the time, I didn’t have the skills or experience to get him to do anything. He was pissing me off because I wasn’t on the ground with him. I couldn’t stand toe-to-toe with him and demand that he return to his cell. Not that you could stand toe-to-toe with California's "Worst of the Worst" unless they were cuffed at the wrists and chained at the ankles.
When I worked a gun tower, I never relaxed. I had a Mini-14 strapped to my chest and a .38 in the holster of the prison-issued belt in fashionable law enforcement basketweave. This belt was worn over my own Sam Browne belt. Wearing these weapons during an 8-hour shift almost dragged my 5’2” body to the floor. With experience, I would finally learn to bark orders and use my voice to command these inmates to move. The only plus to this job was I didn’t get my uniform dirty like the floor officers who work the unit.
As a newbie, I was part-time. The maximum time I would spend in one place was a week. And because I wasn’t a permanent officer who didn’t have the luxury of knowing her inmates, their individual history and their behavior, this gave inmates the more reason to game me.
At the end of my week in the unit, after sucking up a box of pink and white coconut Little Debbie’s and a case of Mountain Dew, I looked down at the pod and saw the gangbanger. He stood in the middle of the pod. He was looking straight up at me as a slow smile came over his face.
“Don’t take it personal, C/O,” he said quietly. He returned to his cell and didn’t come out for the rest of the evening. He knew I was being assigned to another post, so he decided not to give me any heartache.
Lucky me.
It wasn’t until retirement that I thought about this gangbanger and what he was saying. When he was pissing me off and getting on my last nerve, he knew it. Yet, he continued to do it because he could.
“Don’t take it personal, C/O.”
Meaning: “That’s just the way it is.”
Right before I graduated from CSU, Sacramento in 1981, I was a finalist in a national journalism program at U. C. Berkeley. I was not good at interviews and selling myself, so when it came time to interview, the panel of editors and magazine writers from all over the United States grilled me. One reporter, who had just gotten a plum job in Hawaii for People magazine, was the rudest asshole I had ever run into in my life. The next in line for the job was the publisher of the Oakland Tribune. I sat there and allowed them to intimidate me.
By the time I returned to my brother’s Berkeley apartment, I knew I had blown the interview and didn’t have to wait around for my application packet. Within a week, it would arrive at my home in Sacramento. To make rejection even worse, my best friend got one of the positions. The prize: a job at a newspaper in the United States chosen by the U. C. Berkeley team.
I’d like to tell you that I bounced right back from rejection and found my way to a major newspaper or magazine in the United States. I can’t lie to you. I threw my application packet in my fireplace and burned it.
And, I sold out. In Sacramento at that time, a reporter for the Sacramento Bee made around $600 starting salary. Several months after graduation, I could not find a job. After finding out what it was like to be on food stamps, I took a job with the State of California as a key data operator for $750 a month as a starting salary. I worked 23 years for the State of California, and other than making spelling and typo corrections as a member of the vicious office pool, only one of those jobs involved writing. I was an editor for almost three years. I wrote, did layout and answered to a boss who was only a figurehead for Pete Wilson. She answered to a group of women whose husbands generously funded his campaign for governor.
Had I stuck to the writing, where would I be now? Where would you be with your writing, five, ten, fifteen or twenty years from now? Or do you plan that far ahead?
I have no regrets with the decisions I’ve made about my writing. What I did or didn’t do in the past is done. I can’t get those years back.
But if you do decided to write, can you go the distance? Will anything or anyone stand in your way?
So one of the biggest things a writer needs to do is not take things personal and be able to blow off the rejection and disappointments which will come your way. I wasn’t a resilient back then, but I am now. I had to take risks, and I had to learn. Otherwise, each time you didn't get the writing job or collected a stack of rejection slips, could you honestly say you would keep writing--no matter what?
With your writing, if you make it a priority, you will learn not to give up on yourself or the craft. You will make it your passion and work it into your goals and dreams. You will learn to bounce back and be resilient. If you learn these basic skills, I can almost guarantee you that everything will fall into place.
Writing is a lifelong commitment, and every writer is different. Our experiences in life are different. But if you do give up on your writing, give yourself time to return. A writer, with the written word, has a certain type of power no one else has. Who else has the power to have someone feel, think, laugh, cry or motivate?
I've said this so many times before: If you quit writing, that's one less voice.
And with one less writer in the world, that's a damn shame.
A Note From Arlene: When it comes to writing, either good or bad criticism can come at you. Learn from your critics. Take the best advice and move on. I've written Hubs on Hubs, so check them out. I hope I can help you with your writing. HubPages is a great place to learn online writing, so take advantage of the support system. There's nothing like it.
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Symptoms of Hub Envy includes constantly looking at your Hub statistics several times a day and feeling you are just not achieving enough. Then, you do nothing but worry. "What do other Hubbers got what I don't got?" you keep asking yourself. Coul
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Since joining HubPages, Arlene V. Poma explains why she no longer keeps up with her blog.
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After a 15-year "vacation" from writing, Arlene V. Poma sucessfully returns to writing by consulting a psychic. The meeting resulted in Arlene taking a year of online writing classes and finally getting back to the writing. Hallelujah!!!
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Rochelle: Thank you so much for your comments and your insights. Sometimes, the skills you find in your life get ignored and pushed away. Somehow, if you let them back in, you'll find they never really left you. Hmmmm. Life experience is what also drives the writer. Say, if I got that newspaper job, I would have missed out on a lot of experiences and meeting different people like Mr. Gangbanger. Those same experiences I can tap whenever I write. Again, thank you for your comments and insights. Maybe I'll wander down to the store for a box of Little Debbie's and a 6-pack of Mountain Dew (original). For old time's sake.
wow... you have described my life... it took me a long, long time to learn how to wrap life around writing... like letters that form words... that form sentences... that convey... it took me a long time to wrap my writing around my life... great hub... beautifully written.
You make a good point. Writers put so much in their work, sometimes it's hard to take criticism. Rejection can be so crippling. I mean, you don't become a writer for the money, we all know that!
Sadly, if you had gotten a job at a newspaper (as you wondered about), you may have still ended up here... so many quality writers are being laid off and having a hard time finding new work because the newspaper industry is dying. Hope that wasn't too much of a Debbie Downer...
I'm glad you got back to writing-- you certainly deserved to be a finalist. Have you found any online publications to professionaly write for? For many of those, the "interview" is written communication, so it's far less intimidating.
This is such a great piece of writing! I, too, walked away from a good opportunity to write when I was young but am now being pulled back to writing after many years. Your advice is so much what I need to hear right now, and to remind myself.
This last week, I have been debating whether or not to keep pursuing this writing dream. Today, I decided that I am going to stay the course. Your hub was a wonderful confirmation of my decision.
Thank you. Blessings!
Davenmidtown: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I see from your profile that you are the first Sacramentan I have run across. Marvelous! That means loads to me. Yes, life experience goes with the writing. Otherwise, you've gotta have a good imagination that's at least convincing to your readers. I chase until I get my answers. I'm not afraid to ask. If I'm interested, I'm going hunting and not quitting until I've covered all my bases. But if it's not worth my time and I can't get what I want in answers, I'm walking away.
Hey, Samantha! Thank you for your comments. Got me thinking. I do write, but because I am retired and have a pension, that gives me the freedom not to worry where the next check would be coming from. I was first published when I was five. My story made it to the elementary school newspaper. I pitched magazine stories and a children's from 12-17. Collected a lot of rejection slips. Last year, I latched onto an online project. Made 5 grand in 7 months. Too much effort for so little pay. Plus, the online project manager and his editor were the jerk and jerkette. I am a leader. And as a leader, I will not work under poor leadership or be part of a dog and pony show. So, I quit. That gave me a taste of online writing from The Other Guys. I wrote blurbs about the neighborhoods in the United States at $10 per for an online real estate client. I was cranking them out. Pure production work because I was not earning a byline. And because of their lack of professionalism, I will not work for them, again. Right now, I am waiting on a couple of magazine editors for their response. I remember now, how much I hate waiting on these people. But I will have something published on an online magazine in December. Something like $75. But I'm after that byline, too. Collecting clips of my work to use later. To be honest with you, I won't be one of those people who can support myself as a freelancer. But at the same time, I treat my writing as a product of my creativity and a business. I don't worry about the money because I know what it's like to just work for the money. If that is your goal, you will be miserable and just hating life. I just write because I love it. I write when I get up, and if I can, I'll be writing until midnight. I wasn't all that heartbroken when I didn't get that newspaper work. I knew I couldn't put up with the rudeness. I put myself through college with my writing and had to answer to someone. I had to write what they wanted me to write. Now, I am finally writing for my most favorite boss in the world--me!
Why, thank you, Sharilee! I was reading your profile. Amazing on what you've accomplished so far. I am flattered. But most of all, I am happy to know you are still on track with your writing. Like anything else, writing can remain a dream, but I've struck shoulda, woulda, coulda and if only from my vocabulary. Makes it easier to chase after those goals. I go after my goals knowing I will achieve them. But when I don't get the end result, I'll find something else. It's all in the chase for me. The excitement is going after the research or interviewing a person. Getting all of my questions answered. Anyway, thank you! I have no doubt you will be a success in your writing life. It's all indicated in your profile. All systems GO!
Your experience with rejection and how it affected your career as a writer has really hit home for me. All my life I wanted to write. As a freshman in high school I tried out for the school newspaper with great expectations. Unfortunately, I totally flubbed the writing sample and was rejected while my best friend was accepted. I did take the rejection personally, and it was many, many years before I regained my confidence. Meanwhile, I let many writing opportunities pass by. I don't regret my life, but I do sometimes wonder if getting that first newspaper job might have changed my whole career direction. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad you are back to writing now!
Stephanie: Thank you for your comments. I see you have thrived on HubPages. Look at all your badges! I love badges. Maybe because I used to wear one? Being young and dumb when I failed the U. C. interview, I thought the world was coming to an end when I didn't get the job. Oh, well. Newspapers are dying at this time. My best friend spent 30 at a small newspaper in the Midwest because she won the competition. Being born and raised in California, I would not leave my home state. She was so bored to death with the job that she spent all of her free time doing activities like bread making, knitting, hiking, etc. Things happen for a reason. And because of the situation, it forced me to get some life experience. And this life experience, along with the people I've met along the way, fuels my writing. I'm back to pitching magazine articles, but it's a very slow process where you have to please that editor and are open to getting your work hacked up. I've done it in the past. It has always been the waiting game I hated. Still do. An editor was supposed to get back to me over a month ago. They take their sweet time. Luckily, I've got a pension and don't need to survive as a freelancer. I don't know how these writers do it. For me, the bills would be unpaid. I haven't sat down to write my novel. I've got the outline, but I'm still gathering things in my head. Been doing that for years. Looks like you have plenty of inspiration since you travel in an RV.
I think your last paragraph really sums it up well. Writing is a journey of individual challenge...much like climbing a rock face of a mountain. There are many ways to get up the face to the top and each one must find their one. Some follow others; some blaze new trails. Some give up half way up because they see others getting there ahead of them and see no reason to continue. There is no cookie-cutter answer and certainly some egomaniac writing for People Magazine is not the litmus test for qualification. Glad to see that you have come to terms with it all and returned to the craft. The writing in this piece speaks well for your ability to communicate effectively in written form. I wish you all the best and hope to see more of your efforts on the Hub. WB
I've enjoyed reading the comments as much as I enjoyed reading this hub. Seems like you really struck a nerve with readers and so many of us could relate. Glad to see that you are not only moving forward with your writing now that you are retired from your "day" job, but that you are also inspiring others, like the talented Prairieprincess to keep writing from their hearts.
Welcome to Hub Pages.
Voted up, useful and interesting.
Hi, Wayne. Thank you for your insights. I pulled up your profile and told myself, "Hey! I can learn from this man!" Anyway, as far as the writing goes, it's been with me. Never really left. I've observed people who have talent and gifts. Only to push them away because the process comes easy to them. I was learning how to make greeting cards a couple of months ago, and sat next to a woman who helped me out. She was surprised I was picking up things so well as a beginner. Why not? I'm highly creative. She told me she wasn't, and had to follow instructions by the book. I don't think like other people. In fact, I am scattered. Like my beagle dog, I will take off after what interests me and not come back. But the beauty of writers is that they are all individuals who show this in their work. But once you ignore the writing or convince yourself you have Writer's Block, it can be hard getting back into the craft. I have no regrets with my decisions. I have to admit that I learned a lot while away. Thanks again, Wayne!
Happyboomernurse: Thank you for your comments! Yes, I do tend to yack, yack, yack when people leave me comments. I always answer their comments. I also am no different in real life. Being retired, I will lean against a piece of furniture and yack the day away. I will also put my foot in my mouth. I quit visiting my friends at work because their bosses were giving me the evil eye. I got the hint, but if you allow yourself to be alone for hours, you will blah-blah-blah to the first person you see. Which is why I make an effort to meet with people during the week or explore things in and around my hometown of Sacramento. Rejection is a part of life, but it's usually something we don't want to face. During my time in prison (1994-2002), I worked two California facilities (men) and as a correctional youth counselor at the Youth Authority. I had a caseload with about a dozen youthful sex offenders. It had to be the most depressing job in my life because I couldn't "fix" these boys. I knew they were all going to prison. In the process, they broke my heart. When you work with the men, it is understood that there's no hope for them. The only success stories I've seen in prison are on TV or in the movies. Where the guy goes home to his family and everything is fine and dandy. When I went through two academies, I felt at the time it would be good experience for my future writing projects. And, of course, I was right! Again, thank you for your comments. And, the compliments!
Hi Arlene....Interesting take on your life. We all have to do what is necessary to put food on the table and that sounds like your story. I don't really consider myself a writer....I didn't have aspirations to become a written and here we are on hubpages. Glad your hear and doing what you love. Have a nice weekend.
Hi, marellen: I did enjoy my time in prison, but I have to admit I enjoyed working at Pelican Bay State Prison and living along the rugged California coast. I got as far as being offered to interview at Folsom for the position of sergeant. But I don't know my gangs unless you take me to the wall of photographs (like in the SHU). Which are labeled, North or South. Otherwise, forget it. I got the letter just as I finalized my Comp benefits. Another rejection letter, you might say. I had a feeling in my gut that I wasn't going to promote. And, I wouldn't stay in the job long. My barely 10 years with Corrections was what my sergeant at my first academy predicted. Most correctional officers are toast by the end of 10 years and are doing something else. Since then, I have met people in my online work who will do nothing but work as writers and editors. Well, I say, good luck with that! I don't know how they pay for things with pennies. I am a spoiled former California state employee. I worked at a time when we didn't have the furloughs or the chances of getting laid off. I had my pay and benefits. And since I started working for them at 17, I didn't know anything else. But you are so right. When it comes down to putting food on the table, we may not like what we're doing for work, but we have to work to put food on the table. But as a correctional officer, I loved the job. I was Farm Girl in a different land. But like most jobs, we begin with great promise. On the way out, it's over. Looking back, I am grateful that I do know what it's like to get up in the morning and want to get to work. Know what it's like when you are just dying to solve problems and be part of the team. Next to my writing, that job at The Bay taught me some life lessons which I still follow today. I learned so much about myself. Thanks, marellen. Always happy to hear from my neighbor.
yes, Sacramento... midtown but on the quieter side of things... I wonder if any other hubbers are from Sacramento... Once in a while I bump into someone from Calif.. here...
Ahhhhhh, this is an EXCELLENT HUB! When I first started reading it, I almost clicked off of the page, but your words held my attention. By the time I was finished, I was so glad I read your hub. Thank you so much for this inspirational post!
My ability to not take things personally in all aspects of my life, not only writing-is forever a work in progress. I'm 35 and am sadly aware of several people much older than I am who still haven't fixed this issue. I must remember to ignore the trolls who just want to make you angry to get their kicks. I must remember to do things for me and not for others. I have the five Truths About Fear posted on my walls in several rooms -it is from Susan Jeffers's book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.
DAVENMIDTOWN, I was trying to find some kind of meet-up for Hubbers in Sacramento. I think there was one person looking for a group when I first joined. Maybe something in the future? I'm closer to Roseville, but I will always go into Midtown for the restaurants. Or take my dog for long walks at McKinley Park.
Hahahaha, RACHELLE! I'm glad I kept your attention. I will always encourage people to write. There is no such thing as competition in the world of writing. You have nothing to prove. We all write differently. We have different POV's and lifestyles. But you have to put your work out there. The proof of being a great writer is to be able to keep going. Online writing, as you probably know with your photography, is tougher. You have to be willing to put more effort into selling yourself. What I miss in online work is the contact. There are people on HubPages that I would like to get together with. Chit chat over coffee or a long lunch. Pick their brains. But I'm going to have to settle for doing my best online. Thank you for your comments!
FLORA: Thank you for your comments and insights. Rejection is such a big part of the writing. People will either love what you write or hate it. Or completely ignore it. Then you have the people that are like my friends and family: "How nice, Arlene. What are you going to do when you grow up?" But I've learned to blow off the negativity and keep going. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I leave it at that and try not to get sucked in and feel bad about what they say. Or if they really got to me, I'll put a time limit on feeling bad. A very short time limit. Then, I'll let go and move on. Not everyone has passion for writing. That, I am so grateful for.
We should maybe think about having a sacrmento hub-camp... I think Hubpages HQ would have info on that.
davenmidtown: That's a wonderful idea. Need to check that one out since I missed the San Francisco one. Or at least have an event to meet the Sacramento Hubbers. Midtown would be a great place to meet, don't you think? Let me see if I can locate that lone Sacramento Hubber or go through the Forum. Or email someone who would know. I'll follow up on that. Unless, of course, you beat me to it. Thanks!
I will ask Simone Smith and JS Matthews... they are knowledgeable...
All right! Keep me posted, please. And I'll check out the HubPages as it runs. J.S. is a wealth of information. Thanks!
Hi Arlene, your hub title caught my attention...I thought you were going to rip into hubpages with a complaint, but you didn't. Shucks! JOKE Hubpages rocks!
I enjoyed your journey, very accurate and true ending :)
Sunshine! Sunshine! Is that you? Where are the Barbies you promised me? Did you know that I have a Filipina Barbie who isn't in a nurse uniform? I think she is a beauty queen, NIB. A woman who was entering nursing school sold her to me. It is a remnant of my Barbie doll eBay career which ended in the early 2000s. Thank you for your comments. HubPages is fun. I agree. I am an addict. I should be working on dinner right now. Who cares??? I need to do the Hub Bunny Hop, Hop, Hop and check out what these writers are doing.
Keep on hoppin' and order a pizza! Have fun :)
Thanks for this honest hub. The Road Not Taken - we all wonder about. I did get the chance, in mid-life, to have a 10 year newspaper career (not at any big papers) and I miss it every day but pay day! I loved it, but knew I wouldn't ever progress to a big daily because I didn't have the killer instinct it took to go that far. Now I write for myself and use the experiences of my life to write about what only I know. Best of luck to you and your "voice."
Arlene....quite an interesting hub. Every last thing happens for a reason with the BIG PICTURE in the wings....there are no coincidences in life...and by now, I'm sure you've decided that this is a good thing! You are where you should be and your life is what it was meant to be. Your writing is simply wonderful
Sunshine! What are you trying to do to me? Pizza was last night! Ewwwwwww. I'll serve hubby something healthy. The newest flavor of Velveeta over a handful of Fritos.
Hey, Kathleen! Thank you for your comments and your insights. By nature, I am a go-getter and will go after what I want. I usually get what I want, but not when I was younger. I did work as a reporter and a photographer for a Northern California newspaper, but for a brief time. I enjoy writing for me. When I did have writing jobs, I had to write for the boss or editors. There was no time to be creative. As you know, there are deadlines to meet. And, your public is waiting for you to deliver. I get bored easily, so the most I've stayed at a job was the combined 10 years at Corrections--three prisons. A total of 23 years with the State of California with a lot of job-jumping. I was lucky. If I got tired of the scenery, I transferred. You are lucky to have that reporting experience and had staying power. I never did. Being retired, I feel like I can accomplish more because if I had a job to go to, I'd be focusing on the job. It is very unfortunate that newspapers are folding. There was a time when I looked forward to the daily landing at our front porch.
Hi, Paula! Thank you! I was thinking about you as I wrote this. I was never one to mend broken wings. I found that out when I worked with the children who committed sex crimes. I could not fix them or keep them out of prison. I knew they were all going to end up there, and that bothered me long after I left Youth Authority. I did find my calling at The Bay. I did plenty of thinking in those control booths. You'd get rid of one troublesome inmate in the unit, and there would be five ready to replace him. I could never understand why people were willing to live like that and be treated like cattle. I'd watch these guys day after day as they wasted away in their cells without contributing to society. We couldn't give them knitting needles to do charity knitting because they would sharpen those needles and kill each other. I've been away for over 10 years, but I remember everything. I learned so much about people in a prison setting. At the time, I was going home to inmate material, so until I divorced him, prison, believe it or not, kept me safe.
Great Hub!!
I started my writing work a number of years ago writing for the hardcopy magazines. And boy when those rejection slips come through you can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down, the dream has been snatched away! At first - after the 10th rejection slip - I didn't write another sentence for about 8 months. But when you have the bug to write you have to write no matter what. I started again, but told myself that the rejection slips are a learning curve and to use them to make myself an even better writer. When I got my first acceptance I could hardly believe my eyes - it was wonderful!!
So you are right, you have to keep going no matter what. It does work out eventually, you just have to believe that it will.
Loved this hub - what a scary job that must have been working in a prison? You must have guts a plenty!!!
SEEKER 7: Thanks, again!!! Ain't that the truth about magazines? I spilled my guts recently and got $75 dollars for it. What I hate is waiting on editors. I have two editor who is about two months late in getting back to me. At age 12, I turned in a story to a pulp called "How I Seduced My Camp Counselor." What did I know about seducing camp counselors? Nothing. But I gave it a try and earned a rejection slip. My brother and I collected so many of them that we kept them in photo albums. Now, I don't mind getting them. What I don't like is waiting. Or having an editor hack your piece to shreds before publishing and paying you. But, I do agree with you. Once you are accepted, there is nothing like it. I don't care what I get paid. Pay me with a byline, and I'm happy.
Arlene I was just reading your comments and enjoying! When I got the goosepimples! Can't say much about it but my friends son went to Los angeles from Liverpool in 1994 and vanished she is waiting for ever for some kind of news-just wondered if you worked in L.A.
loved your writing and all the comments,best from jandee
Jandee, thank you for your comments and insights. I am sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she finds some kind of closure about her son. How hard that must be. I worked at Pelican Bay State Prison in 1994. It is a maximum security prison near the California-Oregon border and houses "The Worst of the Worst". Way north of L.A.
Rochelle Frank 8 months ago
I enjoyed reading this very much. If you had gone to a big newspaper to start, you would have missed some valuable life experiences that gives you more perspective. Both the prison and the political circle gives you understanding you might not otherwise have had. Glad you didn't give up on your dream.