Dump the Addict
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I can’t speak for men who have addicts for girlfriends and wives. My point of view comes from my experience with male addicts. I have dated a couple of addicts and was married to a “former” addict. The truth is, I have no advice for this type of “relationship,” except:
Dump him, Baby Girl. Get on with your life.
“How could you say that?” you ask me. “How could you be so cruel and suggest I give up on my man?”
Well, the choice is yours, Honey. But I can tell you from my own experience that your future with your addict doesn’t look too rosy or bright. As long as you stay, the whole picture is just plain sad. I know because I’ve been there myself.
Why I am being so negative?
It’s because I’ve made my mistakes when it came to taking on addicts. I certainly don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. So take a look around and listen to others who had the same problem long before you. You are not alone, but there is hope for you. It is certainly no picnic to be with an addict, but learn from your mistakes. Don’t beat yourself. Simply learn from the experience and move onto bigger and better things.
I come from a long line of alcoholics and gamblers, so what’s my excuse for getting tangled up with addicts? Well, for one thing, addicts are my familiar. I grew up surrounded by addicts and know their game. I find nothing different from an alcoholic who is drunk or a drug addict on a high or a gambler in casino surroundings. Let’s be honest here. I could have been an addict myself. Here are some reasons why you should walk away from that addictive personality in your life:
Nothing says you have to put up with the behavior.
So why are you with this jerk? Do you like walking on eggshells? Do you change your behavior so that he is free to follow his addiction? Ask yourself why you have made such a poor choice in a mate and why you are staying—no matter what he does.
Just because he quit drinking or getting stoned doesn’t mean he’s in good shape.
Ever been around a “dry” drunk? A person can quit drinking and never touch a drop. Yet, the behavior he had when he drank usually remains the same. Do you call this change? I wouldn’t want to be around an alcoholic that stopped drinking. Just who is this person? I’m not sticking around to find out.
Do you have this need to enable him?
Cut the apron strings. These grown addicts already have mommies. Hey, I was involved with two alcoholics, and I always kept the refrigerator stocked with beer. Why is that? What is wrong with this picture? Get this: I don’t drink. Being as dumb as I was at the time, if he were into drugs, I’d probably stock his medicine cabinet with drugs, too.
An addiction is a mistress in disguise.
Watch your addict when he gets the drug of his choice. You are out of the picture as long as he has what he wants. I’ve had this little denial act for a very long time, but the truth is, as long as the alcoholic in my life lifted that beer can to his lips, alcohol was the mistress I could not even compete with.
Stay with an addict long enough, you will take on some strange behavior.
If you stay with an addict, step into the unhealthy roles of enabler or co-dependent. Worse yet, you can be a blend. You don’t have to drink to have alcohol affect you. An addict is not the healthiest person in the world to be around. In caring for him, you are inviting the same stress equal to a caregiver who doesn’t take care of herself. Give it time, and you will be throwing your life away and focusing on the addict in your life. All you’re going to care about is him and his addiction, and you will do anything to keep him happy.
An addict’s life is about control.
How well do you know your addict? All he has to do is act up, and you’re on your rescue mission because you “care” about him. This type of caring is not caring at all. You always want him happy, so you are willing to put him first. You will appease him in any way. This is not a relationship at all. The power in this relationship is given to the addict, and he knows it. Therefore, he’s going to call all the shots. You are the responsible one who makes sure he has all the fun.
How many times are you going to pick him off the floor?
Do you still think it’s cute when your man drinks himself into a stupor and has to be helped into bed? How many times are you willing to do this? Watch other women with their addicts. In social situations, they merely smile when their men get drunk and act up in public. They are forever apologizing for the poor behavior or expect you to accept the drinking.
Do you think your love is so great that it will change him?
Women love to think that love conquers all. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. People change because they make the effort. That’s why it’s easier to remain an addict as long as you have someone there to take on the responsibilities of everyday life. You can’t change someone’s behavior. Don’t even try.
But I love him.
Where have I heard this before? When you love someone, you love them every bit of them and accept them for what they are. If you said, “Well, if he wasn’t drunk or stoned most of the time,“ then I’d say you have a problem. Addiction comes with the addict. How can you pretend that’s not a problem?
He needs me.
Does he want you around because you are just plain fabulous? Or does he need you to be around to take care of him and his responsibilities? As long as addicts are cared for, they will continue with their addiction. They don’t care about you. Get it through your head. They live for that addiction.
What are you getting for your efforts?
When you stay with an addict, you can count on being his victim. The people closest to you won’t say anything because they know this is the role you have chosen. They are leaving you to make your own decisions about this addict. Until then, it’s all this useless game, don't you think? You think you are doing the addict a favor by caring for him, and your family and friends are always hoping you will come to your senses and leave him.
No one cares what you have sacrificed and given up to be with this man.
Someday, I hope you will leave.
I’ve done it before. I’ve gotten on that ship that sailed the River of Denial and didn’t get off until I was ready. If I waited any longer for things to get better, then I was foolish enough to put my life in danger. Addicts are known for their mood swings and unpredictable behavior. If you find yourself getting in the car and leaving because of his behavior, keep going. You may be saving your life.
I can’t tell you what to do with your life when it comes to your addict. That’s your decision. I did fool myself for a long time when it came to the addicts in my life. But what it comes down to in any relationship is how one is treated. If you’ve had enough, you’ll leave.
Sure, you’re hearing all kinds of “success” stories on how people quit drinking or taking drugs. But the thing is, I’m not waiting around for people to get “better”. Through the addicts in my family and the ones I’ve tangoed with, I’ve had my fill of addicts for the rest of my life. But some women don't mind leading a life separate from their boyfriend's or husband's addiction.
I have finally learned to protect myself from addicts. Through the mistakes I’ve made over the years, I’ve learned to be more selective when it comes to the people I keep around me. I won’t deal with addicts because they won’t be straight with themselves in the first place. I’ve gone through a lot with addicts, and they have not brought me anything but tears, worry, disappointment and plenty of pain.
From my personal experience, I keep addicts double the arm’s length from me. It has nothing to do with not being kind and compassionate. I value me. Therefore, I am protecting myself from anyone or anything that could potentially harm me.
Dump the addict. If you make space for a healthier relationship with someone who cares about you, then be prepared to get what you truly deserve.
A Note from Arlene: My experiences with people come from the School of Hard Knocks. I can tell you about my relationships so you won't repeat my mistakes. My failures have taught me well, and in my 50s, I've come to the point where I can laugh at all of my past mistakes. Here's hoping you get to your 50s without any heartache. Cross your fingers, now!
- The Top Ten Things I've Learned About Men
Arlene V. Poma gives you her Top Ten Things she's learned about men and throws in #11 as a freebie for Young and Dumb Girls.
- Young and Dumb Girls Get Trampled
Young girls who play it young and dumb in the world of dating get trampled in the process. If you are a young and dumb girl who doesn't learn from your mistakes, you can count on being an old married woman with a ball and chain for a boyfriend, love
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Save Yourself and Dump the Addict in Your LifeLoading...
Cathleena, thank you for your comments and insights. You know there is nothing as beautiful as a woman with wisdom! I'm telling you. I'd bypass being the Young and Dumb Girl any day of the week! There is nothing to be ashamed of when you do stupid things. Keep the past in the past where it belongs, learn from the ordeal and keep on moving! Now, if you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them, more power to you! I admire anyone who goes out there and picks themselves up after going through the most horrible events. What an inspiration you set for others, and what a legacy you are leaving for others to remember you by.
Great advice. Your experiences can go along way to teaching others and preventing others from going through the same experiences. Thanks for sharing with us all.
Thank you, truthfornow. Most of the time, people have to experience things for themselves and allow themselves to jump off those cliffs. I don't mind sharing my Young and Dumb Girl experiences. My parents were immigrants, and I can honestly say they didn't prepare me for the world--other than thinking a good education would solve all your kids' problems in life. I don't blame them. They always wanted the best for me, but they weren't doing me any favors by sheltering me from the big, bad world. Relationships are everything, and if you don't know your way around people, consider yourself screwed. I had to learn from my mistakes. Otherwise, I'd be repeating them. I think I got tired of falling down all the time, so I was forced to get up! Finally!!!
My ex partner is an alcoholic and it took me a long time to learn i couldn't 'help' him. Because we had a child together I wanted him to be a better role model and a better person. Of course, when he was sober, he was the nicest person, but when he had a drink, he was the devil. He was the only one who could do something about it, and even after I gave him everything, he just took and did nothing about the drink problem. Thank you for sharing your experience. It opens our eyes, and we learn from it - for me it was the hard way!
Hey, Emma! Thank you for your comments and insights. As women, we have choices. I know that disappointment with alcoholics so well. I was kidding myself with this last addict. But when I stepped back and thought about it, I wanted him to be what I wanted him to be. I had fooled myself so well, so when I finally faced the facts and realized I could no longer keep giving him chances, chances, chance, it was up to me to take charge of my life. When I finally made up my mind, I walked and didn't look back. I do understand what it's like to get tangled up with an addict. It is best to leave them alone. Make yourself #1 at all times. It's the best gift you can give yourself. I learned the hard way. You can't fix someone who has no desire to fix himself. So I leave addicts to deal with their addictions or not deal with their addictions. Begging for someone to change is just not my style. The sad part of it all? Some people don't deserve your love, your respect and affection. Some people, through their behavior, deserve to be left alone.
Many dear friends with whom I shared happy times for many years are no longer around thanks to Demon Rum and one, drugs. All but one were younger than me, and because they were, I naturally assumed we'd be swapping stories of the Old Days in our Golden Years. I used do temp gigs bartending at parties, but after losing so many contemporaries to alcohol (and the one to drugs), I don't do that any more. Call me a prude, but conscience won't let me contribute to someone else's heartaches. Since moving to a different state, I've also turned down several invitations to get togethers where drinking copious amounts of alcohol was the main reason for the gathering. Watching drunks get stupid or mean (or stupid AND mean) is no longer my idea of a "fun" time.
JamaGenee: Ain't that the truth? It is such a waste of time to believe you can change anyone and save them from themselves. I did try to understand why an alcoholic behaved like one. I even attended A.A. and Al-Anon. If you stayed with an alcoholic, you'd better believe your children would be traumatized by it and take on the sicknesses that come with it. Hey, I've had my dance with the Adult Children of Alcoholics, too. The ones who hated the parent that drank? Well, they ended up alcoholics. But don't mention it to them because they don't have a "problem". I'm done. If I find out a person has to have his alcohol or other poison, I'm down road. I do know how to practice detachment with the addicts in my family. When it comes to addicts, I don't play. I agree with you. Happy drunk or mean drunk, alcoholics are not fun at all.
Voted way up! You have hit the nail(s) on the head. I love it and feel you have covered this subject well.
Thanks for your comments and the vote up, Denise! I can't say I had to work hard to write this Hub. You might say it was purely written on the mistakes I've made. It's funny how quickly your thinking can change when you simply get fed up with a person's behavior. I know women who stayed with their alcoholic spouses. The only "freedom" they got was when their spouses died. But what a price to pay. They are angry, bitter and filled with nothing but regrets. All those years wasted for nothing.
I've never had a romantic relationship with an addict. I have been related to them, though. I don't have any children, but I don't know how a parent would deal with an addicted child.
I don't have children, either, Flora. I can only imagine what a parent would do with an addicted child. A friend of mine welcomes her kid to family events, but she set a rule that her kid would show up sober and not be using. Her family wasn't happy about having the kid there, but he did respect his mother's wishes and behaved himself. I have to give the mother credit. I don't think I would have been that fair and giving. Sometimes, you have to set those boundaries.
Very useful, thank you my fellow hubber, at this age and time, all of us deal at least once in a lifetime with addiction of some kind:)....our new disease of modern time:)
Beata: That's one too many to deal with, isn't it? I would see this all the time in my family. The women would enable their alcoholic husbands, but I thought I would be different because my love would change everything and my alcoholic mates would be "cured". I am glad I learned from my mistakes. Otherwise, I would probably repeating them. Like the women in my family who married addicts, I'd be "Standing By My Man" until "Death Do Us Part." Ewwwwww!
Cathleena Beams Level 4 Commenter 7 months ago
Excellent hub, Arlene. I've had to learn some lessons too from the school of hard knocks, I'm sorry to say. It does make you stronger. I'm different today than the woman I was then. Sometimes with maturity, comes some wisdom. Best of luck to us all on HubPages. :o)