Cancel the Mail Order Bride

87

By Arlene V. Poma

Is a Mail Order Bride part of your future plans?  Your life will be everything but peachy, and this is why.
Is a Mail Order Bride part of your future plans? Your life will be everything but peachy, and this is why.
Source: Photograph by Arlene V. Poma


Are you one of those fools who put in for a Mail Order Bride? Excuse me for my rudeness, but don’t take it personal as I get a good laugh from your stupidity.

I am an American citizen. I was born in the United States and just happen to be of Filipino descent. When people figure this out, a lot of them assume I know all about Mail Order Brides. I have family and friends who were dumb enough to either marry a Mail Order Bride or were desperate enough to marry an American to get into the country. These marriages have nothing to do with building a long-term relationship out of love and respect. It’s all about the desperation to marry.

Face it. You’d be better off alone than having to tangle with a woman from a foreign country. At last count, the last man I knew who married a Mail Order Bride has completely disappeared from the Facebook radar of family and friends. Maybe he learned that he is now stuck with a woman he had brought to this country. Could he be happy? Probably not. Let me walk you through his story. You will find that he isn’t much different from any man who has ordered a bride this way. I am sure he kicks himself on a daily basis for doing this.

The Facebook pages.

When Troy announced that he had met the love of his life through some Philippine Mail Order Bride agency, we all thought he was crazy. He had met Emma through an agency and followed her through Facebook. So through Facebook, all of Troy’s Facebook friends got to “see” this “romance” develop with photographs and cute little blurbs that were just plain sickening.

Being the snoop that I am, I did notice that Emma had Facebook “friends” from all over the world. All these friends of hers were men. Troy was the only one who pursued Emma and made arrangements to meet her in the Philippines.

The meeting.

So after a year communicating on Facebook, Troy takes time off work and heads for this remote town in the Philippines. More photographs are published on Troy’s Facebook page. Not only is he pictured with the happy fiancée, he is surrounded by her sisters, her parents and her grandparents. Troy is so much in love with this Mail Order Bride that he can’t see straight. He has just met his bride, but at the same time, he is meeting the new family he will be expected to support.

Look closely at the photographs. Someone is going to need medical care, dental work and help with college tuition. If you sent money to a foreign country, there is no telling where the money’s going to end up. You are merely giving blindly.

She’s here.

After going through interviews and all that red tape to get to the United States, Emma does get to California. Little is really known about Emma, other than she looks older than the young woman she claims to be. There is no talk of her attending college to better herself or what type of skills she has for the job market. This is the price she pays for coming to America. She belongs to Troy.

The reality hits.

America is the Land of Plenty, where people can work hard to achieve their dreams. Unfortunately, I know the people in my family who have lived in the Philippines and come to The Promised Land to realize that the streets are not made of gold. They realize that most people have to work for what they’ve got.

Imagine how bored Emma will be as she caters to her new American husband. Imagine her disappointment when she finds that he doesn’t live in a house. He rents. By her standards, he is not a rich man. Not like those American men depicted in the movies, television reruns and magazine ads. Troy is a simple guy who lives in a small apartment. He has no servants, doesn't wear nice suits to work or doesn’t drive a luxury car. In fact, he spent his life savings and accumulated vacation time in pursuit of Emma.

No more Facebook posts.

The happy couple has disappeared from Facebook after their storybook marriage. When you make the mistake to taking a woman from her family and friends, you’re going to have problems. Since the focus is on her new husband, the Mail Order Bride can now see how he really lives his life. Why not? She has nothing else to do.

Will this marriage last?

Would you call this a marriage at all? When you come together out of desperation, what’s the point? Troy is approaching his mid-forties. Divorced, he finally decides that he should start a family before he dies. Now, isn’t that convenient thinking? On the other hand, there’s Emma. The only way out of the Philippines is to marry a man from a foreign country---preferably, an American man. All American men are rich, aren’t they?

No word from the newlyweds. They are stuck with each other now that the newness of the marriage is now over. To save face, Troy no longer communicates with family and friends. He doesn’t want to look at us and realize that he didn’t listen when it came to seeking out his Mail Order Bride.

Emma is at the mercy of Troy’s every move. She has no support system. She left them in the Philippines, and she doubts if Troy will have enough money to send her there on a vacation.

Forget about that Mail Order Bride.

The Mail Order Bride is a vision of that perfect wife who will mold herself to you and fulfill all your needs. What you’ll end up getting is an unhappy woman who has no future and no understanding of you and the American culture.

You won’t meet her high expectations, either. In her eyes, all American men are rich. What she will find in you is plenty of disappointments. No man could ever fit her expectations—not even you. Within a year, she’ll be bored with you. Don’t be surprised if she cheats on you or finds work and leaves you.

The sad truth? The Mail Order Bride used you and your wallet to get out of her life situation. Like you, she chose the worst way to run away from her life and her problems.

You deserve each other.

A Note from Arlene: My, my, my. Make one huge mistake when it comes to love, dating and marriage, and you are guaranteed to be miserable. Take your problems as a sign to learn and move on. I promise you the best is yet to come. Check out my Hubs. I'm sure you can relate to my problems and at least get a laugh. I do hope I'm helping you out.

Comments

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

For a couple of years I worked at a Legal Document Preparation house...low cost bankruptcies, divorce, name changes and the like...one day a customer comes in wanting to divorce his (apparently) third mail order bride (these ladies came from former East Block nations)...that said...number three didn't work out. With the final paperwork being signed he said, "Yes...my next bride is coming from the Far East...Korea I believe he said...and he was happy because "eastern" girls know how to treat their men...lol. What a stupid twit he was...lol. I voted all the Ups for reminding me how happy I am that I don't work there anymore!

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

ThoughtSandwiches: I'm telling you. You handled that twit better than I would. I would have fallen out laughing. Who knows when I would have stopped? After I got my divorce and started dating again, there were a couple of guys who dated me only because I reminded then of the Filipino Mail Order Bride gone wrong or the Filipina that dumped him. Give me a break, here! All I have to do is open my mouth, and you already know for sure I don't fit the bill of some Mail Order Bride who "knows how to treat a man right". Oh, pulllease. Don't you just hate people like that? Can you imagine what it would be like to be "married" to Mr. Twit? I've seen it all. If you became a Mail Order Bride, then you're telling me you're all right with abuse. You're okay with doing anything he wants because you will be forever grateful he brought you to America. Something is truly wrong with a man who has to resort to a Mail Order Bride or go through a bunch of them. Lots of men out there to mirror Mr. Twit! Too bad.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

the whole idea seems absurd to me... its kinda like an arranged marriage. I don't get that either. People should be free to choose.... It is like that line in Pretty Woman... I say who... I say how much... it really all boils down to the same thing.....

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Hey, daven, wasn't that "Pretty Woman" movie awful??? How dumb could the lead characters be? You've got the hooker who dresses nice and the rich man who "falls" for this twit. Ewwwww. Men who sign up for Mail Order Brides have it coming. Looks to me they want it easy. Relationships are everything, and if you think it is so easy to find someone from some foreign land as a life mate, forget it. I have no mercy for these people. If you aren't willing to work on simple communication, what good are you? Arranged marriages are the same thing. No choices. It reminds me of the teacher I had in the sixth grade. He said, "When you have a wife, you LEARN to love her." Uh huh. Idiot. What is the matter with these people????? Hahahahaha. Don't even get me started!!!

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

hey... you dropped a pine needle.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Hahahahahahaahahahahahaha. Hey! What happened to that seahorse???

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

How's the brine farm coming????

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

sadly... a coincident.... It has not come in the mail yet.... :-)

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Patient man.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

the only thing you should ever jump into with both feet... is a pair of pants.... hahah

DeborahNeyens profile image

DeborahNeyens Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

Have you read A Reliable Wife? It's a historical suspense novel about a mail order bride. Great hub as always, Arlene.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Yes! Now that you mention it, Deborah, I did read an excerpt. Thank you for suggesting it. Looks like some rain coming up tomorrow in Sacramento. Sounds like a very good read to curl up with. By the way--I am so jealous with these Hubbers and their tomato crops. Our farmers market is open all year in Sacramento. Maybe I can "cheat" and buy some tomatoes so I can try out your Hub of the Day recipe. So much better than the canned stuff. Lots of sodium in those. Your recipes and the way you do the layout are a treat for the eyes.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

daven, one leg at a time. I did try the Hubbers meetup thing for Sacramento, but something went wrong. I always get kicked into the Fair Oaks meetups. They don't have anything going. There is one Hubber for Sacramento, but I think she gave up meeting anyone. Go figure. I don't have enough time in to lead a group.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

OH By The Way!.... that new pic of yours... with the porcupine coaster on your head.... its the new photo for the art tab... just thought you'd like to know... :-)

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

What???????? How do I find this, daven That's how bad I am when it comes to noticing things on HubPages. I was listening to the podcast on SEO naming titles. Porcupine? You are so hilarious. With your encouragement, I will soak the thing and finish it up. There's no excuse to because from the porcupine are two leaders to finish the basket. The basket lady also returns to the Guild meeting at the end of the month. Maybe if I put tears in my eyes, she will help me out. There's a way to snip at it to complete it. Looks more "professional". Hahahahahahahaha.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

I think... I clicked topic at the top of the page... and there is a list of topics and pictures... POOF... there was the porcupine head dress and one very disgruntled looking piaute indian staring back at me...

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

well.. .I just went to check ... and it is not there now... apparently the photo's rotate around a bit...

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Snorty snort snort. Miwok, Eskimo, Samoan, Hawaiian. WhoopWhoopWhoop. There I is!!! Now, if I could get the basketweaving and the beadwork right, why should I complain? A friend told me they have an "intricate" display at Sac State this week concerning basketweaving. Maybe I should visit and drool. I haven't been there since graduation 1981.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

I am 1/4 yurok Indian... I seem to have inherited all of their superstitions... I should take up basket weaving with you... since I wont build a canoe!

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Thank you for telling me about the post. I thought that was so funny. I don't have any American Indian blood in me. I have Filipino barrio Indian blood. Igorot--my mom calls it. She blames that on my dad's side of the family. How interesting. Yurok. Canoes! I got to go to a couple of sweat lodge ceremonies. I think I almost died the first time. Had to stick my nose underneath the canvas for some cold air. You would have laughed. I did much better the second time. Fascinating. Harvested sage in the woods. That was about it. I didn't stay in the foothills (Gold Country near Yosemite) that long. I did visit a Miwok village with the grinding stones intact. There went my chance to grind acorns. When I lived in Crescent City, most people thought I was taking the day off from the reservation. They left me alone.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

The Yurok are near Klamath on the Ca Or boarder. How did you like Crescent City?

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

I think I would still be in Crescent City if I didn't retire on Comp. I had to leave because of divorce. But I loved the ocean. Unfortunately, I was allergic to the mosquitoes. They hung out in the swamps and left me with huge, hard welts all over my body. I couldn't shake the allergies. I do love that rugged coastline. Collecting agates and walking for miles and miles without running into anyone. I did feel safe, but all that rain was a bummer. October was the only time it really shined. It was gorgeous.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

I miss the ocean too... I keep asking myself why I am still here in Sacramento...

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

I do like Sacramento as home base, but the rest of my family live in the Bay Area. In Crescent City, you know how it is. Lumber and fishing dying. The prison is a major employer. But to get to major shopping or healthcare, you need to drive two hours to Eureka or two hours to Medford. It was isolated and lonely. Which is good at times, but what did I know? I'm a workaholic. I only had time for my long walks on the beach. That was good enough for me at the time. Oregon was an easy escape, too.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

My family were all loggers and fishermen... and pirates... those days are gone... that life is over... its all pot farms not... Cant even go in the woods

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

That's too bad. In the winter, I don't know if people come to your neck of the woods to harvest wild shitake mushrooms. It's a good money-maker if you know what you're doing. At the same time, you can never be heard from ever again if you make the mistake of walking into a pot farm. That's too bad. Logging and fishing are lost crafts. My father-in-law and his father used to log the Tahoe National Forest. Risky, but they did it.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

They use to harvest mushrooms... chanterells, shikake, pig, oyster, blacks, etc. I do not think its safe to do that anymore...

manthy profile image

manthy Level 4 Commenter 7 months ago

OMG - I Love the pic - Thanks for reminding me why I LOVE your hubs so much.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

manthy, thank you so much. I am so flattered--coming from you. My camera is dying. I think I'm going to ask Santa for a new one. Just a little one I can put in my pocket. I don't like lugging camera equipment around.

jenubouka profile image

jenubouka Level 8 Commenter 7 months ago

You are so right, they deserve eachother, and can only thank themselves for their new found "happiness" What American women too independent? First we are too needy then we grow some balls and now we are too outspoken, whatever I laugh merrily to my free will

ktrapp profile image

ktrapp Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

Hey Arlene - I love the way you told the story of Troy and his mail order bride; I'm just dying to read the last chapter one day.

I have to say,though, that I do think many arranged marriages are different than mail order brides. My husband has worked with many guys from India over the years, several of whom went back to India to meet their brides and get married. It seems to be a huge family affair on both sides. I think it often works and their is happiness because of their culture, family, and religion. Maybe that is the difference between arranged marriages and mail order brides - arranged marriages are of the same culture and beliefs, whereas mail order marriages as you described are almost a culture clash.

This was a really interesting topic, not one that I have ever read much about before. Of course you have my vote up, interesting and awesome.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

jenubouka: I am grateful my dad immigrated to the the U.S. in the 20s because in the United States, women can kick ass. You can go after your dreams if you push away the "expectations" of what society thinks you should do. Unfortunately, some haven't discovered how much power they really have. I would be insulted if someone told me I would be dangerous if I had a set. Who needs a set to be dangerous, anyway??? Hahahahahahahaha.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

k: I can't say anything about the arranged marriages from India, but you do have a point. If you had families involved, you'd better make it work, eh? Could you see me in an arranged marriage? Let me oooout! Let me ooooout! Those don't work for Americans. Hahahahaha. Like, excuse me while I saddle up my white horse and ride into the sunset without him. Anyway, my maternal grandmother and grandfather were in an arranged marriage at 14 and 15. About 7 babies out of the deal and a hubby who wandered. Some men cannot handle American women, so they think it's easier to get a Mail Order Bride/Stepford wife. Now, those women come with a different set of problems. And if you don't want her, good luck getting rid of her. Or if you don't change and she does, then she's gone. Or she stays and cheats. So if Troy and Emma "stay together" and have children, Emma will focus on the children. She will put all her dreams into those children and be something like a stage mother. Her expectations of her children will be unreachable. Just like her expectations of hubby. Round, round, round. I've seen this pattern going on for years. The man thinks he is getting a deal and doesn't have to hassle with a strong, independent, out-spoken woman from the U.S. The Mail Order Bride will do anything to get out of the Philippines. Anything.

Seeker7 profile image

Seeker7 Level 8 Commenter 7 months ago

Hi, this is a fascinating hub and has openend my eyes to how dumb some people are. I've seen ads on the internet here stating "Lots of Russian Brides just waiting for you" - and beside this, are these photos of dolly birds! I don't think the pouting, silly arse females in the photos are the ones that the poor sop of a guy will end up with if he's daft enough to go through with it. You just know that something sucks about it all!

Here's hoping a few who had a notion for finding a mail order bride as a good option will read your hub and save themselves a lot of heartbreak and money!

Voted up + awesome!

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 7 months ago

I've never met a Mail Order Bride. I imagine there have to be some in Canada just like in the USA.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

Seeker: It is such a sad situation, isn't it? Yes, you are right. Those men will not be ending up with some cute young thing adverstied. Mail Order Brides are a business. I can guarantee you that when that Mail Order Bride gets exposure to that American money, no telling how she may behave. She can never get enough of the green stuff and may turn into the biggest workaholic. That is, if she is ambitious and gets a job. So many negative things are associated with this whole set-up. It all starts with two people thinking that this Mail Order Bride business is the easy way out. It's really a lot more work than it seems. What a mess people BUY into!

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

I'm sure you've got Mail Order Brides in Canada, Flora. I doubt very much if you'll ever run into one. They're stuck in their homes/prisons. That is, if the Master allows her to get out of the house without his supervision.

anglnwu profile image

anglnwu Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

Haha, once I was asked if I was a mail-order bride by my redneck neighbor. I was Asian and had just come to America, so the assumption is not without grounds. Still, I was a little offended. I didn't even want to come to this country in the very first place. I was dragged here by my husband! Having said that, your story is probably played over and over in many cases--very true and good advice to any contemplating mail-order.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 months ago

angin, you know these Mail Order People aren't going to listen! Hahahaha. Oh, well. When I got my divorce and started dating again (around 40), I couldn't believe all these guys thinking I would be the perfect Asian girlfriend who would treat them like kings. Puuulease. That only lasted until started I started yacking at them. At least they didn't ask me if I ate any dog or balut (duck embryo) lately. Jeez.

davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

this is much like that Erythmics song...

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 5 months ago

You can't buy love but I guess that doesn't stop some men from trying! If you're that desperate, why not just get a Real Doll? At least then you're not screwing up the life of a real person.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 5 months ago

Hahaha. Swings both ways. My husband has yet to hear from his one of his buddies and his new mail order bride. It's been a year, but since they "married," they have completely dropped out of Facebook. No photos. No sickening sweet talk. If you ask us, the thrill for the man and his mail order bride is gone. I'm sure there are plenty of regrets from both parties.

debugs profile image

debugs 2 months ago

This is so true. I admire this writer for his courage to tell the truth about what happens to most people who fall for the Filipino Bride scam. In fact, I just wrote something about it and I advise all desperate men to read it!

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 2 months ago

Thank you, debugs. I have a cousin who is a mail order bride. She could have come to the U.S. on her own terms, but what a mess she's made of her life. I've had women write me on what they should do when it comes to their foreign pen pals. It is all so sad. My answer is always the same. Women, live your life on your own terms and get yourself a career, your own money, your house, and your toys. Never depend on a man to see you through! I've seen way too many unhappy marriages and children as the result of these people buying into the Mail Order Bride myth! These "marriages" are certainly not based on love.

Steve Struthers 13 days ago

Arlene, you really seem to have a hatred of men who get so-called 'mail-order brides'. If women in the US and Canada weren't so stuck-up and picky and such entitled princesses, average guys (me included) would be pursuing them and not women overseas.

But no, women in North America, no matter how little they have to offer a man, insist that they are entitled to date and marry Brad Pitt, and that average guys need not apply. 'Strong women', my arse. They're ill-disciplined little girls putting on a strong front.

If you knew of the extreme difficulty that a lot of good men in North America are having getting dates, let alone finding worthy partners, you might change your opinion. A lot of men are not looking for supermodels. Many of us would be happy with Plain Janes

The feeling I get from your article is that you care little for the women who fall prey to the ills you describe, and are simply using their problems as a platform to bash men. And to advance the claim that every man who goes overseas to find a wife is necessarily a loser.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 13 days ago

Jeez, Steve. Is the dating scene that bad out there for you? For your information, I suggest you do not ASSume anything about me. You want so badly to put me on the defensive, but I'm not going there. The thing is Steve, let me put the subject of the Mail Order Bride back in your court. I don't want to hear your sniveling about not finding a date. It is obvious to me that you would much rather cry about being alone than doing something about it. Sorry, Bud. I'm not joining your pity party because Mail Order Brides still exist, and I know a few. All of my life! It seems to me that you are intimidated by women in the first place, and I don't care to hear from you saying that I hate men. Don't insult me. Take your pity party somewhere else because as an American woman, I don't care for your descriptions. That is your opinion--not mine. It is obvious to me that you are intimidated by "North American" women. Which is why the grass looks greener anywhere else but here.

Steve Struthers 13 days ago

OK, as a little experiment, go to any online dating site and try putting up a fake profile and use a picture of a very good-looking man. Then put up another profile using a photo of an average-looking man. See how many responses from women the average looking guy can get vs. the good looking one.

Oh, and for men who can't get a date, what would you suggest? Plastic surgery so they look like Brad Pitt? Getting a job as an investment banker so they can fill up their wallets and be loved only for their money?

Trust me, if women had to endure one tenth of the rejection men do on a daily basis, they'd crumble. Your only solution, it seems, is to blame the victims, and indirectly suggest that men who don't meet some standard of physical perfection accept being alone and dateless. Because in your mind, men going overseas to fix those problems is anathema, and that every man who looks for a foreign girlfriend is, by definition, a creep.

Speaking of which, would you enjoy having to approach a lot of men and getting rejected 99% of the time?? Simply because your looks aren't perfect and you have no 'game'? Try it sometime, show the world how strong you really are. You might then understand what I'm talking about.

I would rather NOT cry about not getting dates. That's why I'm voting with my feet and going elsewhere to find them, and eventually a wife.

And I didn't say you hated men. I said that you hated men who go for so-called 'mail-order brides'.

FYI, mail-order brides don't actually exist. You can't just write a letter somewhere, pay a fee, and expect that the woman will show up on your doorstep. You have to go visit the woman in her home country, develop a relationship, and then go from there.

And, for what it's worth, mail-order brides existed in the days of the Wild West. No doubt some of the women may have been abused. But the fact that mail-order brides existed at all didn't cause the US to sink into the sea, did it?

Men do not hold a monopoly on abusive behaviour. Some foreign women abuse men by marrying them and disappearing once they get their vaunted green card. Please tell me, with a straight face, that these men were abusers. Many were simply looking for love, love that was denied them by the women in their home countries. Think about it. If you had a problem you couldn't solve with conventional methods, would you not look for options?

As for me, I'm not the slightest bit intimidated by what you call 'American Women'. I just find their stuck-up, 'look-at-me-I'm-strong' attitudes nauseating.

You strike me as being like a lot of North American women who fear men going for foreign brides. You can't bear the thought of competition, or men having any options. Because that would totally destroy the illusion of strength you think women such as yourself have.

In short, your article fails because it lacks perspective and looks at things only from one standpoint - one that appears to be ideologically driven.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 13 days ago

Whatever, Steve. I hit a nerve with you. Thanks for the novel.

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 13 days ago

I think the problem here is that many men, like Steve, want a submissive woman and are frightened by the Western woman's independence and empowerment and enlightened attitudes about gender roles.

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 13 days ago

It's also true that many sexy looking men in underdeveloped countries will charm tourist single women on trips to get a visa and leave their country, then leave the woman. So it's not really like only men get pulled into scams while looking for love. I think that the idea is bad for the man because Steve pointed out they can just be using you to get a green card, so why defend doing something where nine times out of ten you're likely to get hurt, rejected, and made a fool of?

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 13 days ago

Rachael, Rachael, Rachael. Thank you so much for your comments and your insights. I usually don't pay any attention to Hubbers here that don't have an avatar or a profile, but I thought Steve's comment was "interesting." Hey, I am an American woman. I have traveled to many places since the age of 10. I've been to third world countries where people think that the streets in the United States are paved with gold. So they think that if they latch onto an American, they are home free. I have relatives like that. They come to California and have to be shown that the streets are not made of gold. That they have to work hard to get anywhere. When it comes to finding a life mate, you're going to have to take risks. But the choice is yours, and you have to be selective. You can keep looking or quit looking. Users and abusers are everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. I'm not talking about just those wanting visas. I have been married and divorced. Now, I am married to a keeper. I am done looking for love in the wrong places. But I never gave up on dating because I was serious about being married again. I really don't know where men get this idea that a Mail Order Bride will be an easy fix. That perfect little submissive Stepford Wife can leave you once she can support herself or find another man. I've seen this over and over again, and it swings both ways. I've known men from California who were left at the altar of some foreign country, and I've seen them marrying their Mail Order Bride and ending up supporting the woman's family. People will use their looks and everything else so that they could get to America. This includes marriage to someone they don't love or respect. I will only marry an American because I happen to be an American. I would not waste my time educating a foreigner on why Americans do this and that. Nor, will I force myself to follow his culture and religion. What Steve does with his life is his business. I stand behind my writing because I know what I'm talking about. You've gotta love those American women, and I happen to be one of them. As soon as Steve began with the insults on American women as a whole, I really couldn't take him seriously.

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 12 days ago

The problem is, unattractive women I still think face a harsher dating scene than unattractive men. I mean, women are the ones mostly buying all these diet and beauty products that are marketed to us, even when they aren't in fact healthy (some nail polishes contain carcinogenic chemicals for example). A man can get by easily in the dating scene if he's basically a decent human being, but a woman almost feels like she has to be a beauty queen (especially in a big city where she's bombarded by fashion images all day, every day).

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 12 days ago

So what is the big deal? When you approach the dating scene feeling unattractive, it will show in every move that you make. No one holds a gun to your head when it comes to buying anything from beauty products to plastic surgery. That's a personal choice. If these give you a boost of confidence, do it. But don't rely on them to be that silver bullet when it comes to dating. If a man or a woman will only date so-called beautiful human specimens or work from a list of no's, that's their problem. Since I'm an old married lady, I'm tired of these excuses from single people not being able to date because the competition is so stiff. The ones who tell you, "All the good ones are taken" don't want to work the dating scene because they want it easy. Or there is something about their personalities and behavior that instantly tells anyone that they deserve to be alone. I started dating again in my 40s, and I ignored the fact that I had women in their 20s, 30s and 40s dating the same guys I was dating. I didn't care. When you want someone or something, you go after it. You may surprise yourself and get what you want. At least, I usually do. If I find my quest a lost cause, no big deal. I'll go and do something else.

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 7 days ago

Agreed 100% as a happily engaged person.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 days ago

You either make the decision to go at it alone or share your life with someone. There are no shortcuts to lasting relationships or marriages. But, there will always be those who will think they've found an easy way out when it comes to meeting someone and marrying the person. Mail Order Brides have been around for years. And so are the miserable couples who bought into this practice.

RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler Level 3 Commenter 7 days ago

This guy admitted he didn't want someone to love him just for his money and that's what these girls mostly are doing, at any rate. They are misled into thinking often, I believe, that everyone in the U.S. or Europe is rich. As you said in your article. It's a no-win situation.

Arlene V. Poma profile image

Arlene V. Poma Hub Author 7 days ago

So the guy that gets himself a Mail Order Bride is stuck with a woman who doesn't make a move without being told. Now, who would want that? Is that a marriage? But that's not the end of the story. Most women who come here as Mail Order Brides learn how to find work, go to school and drive. There is growth. They become independent. Most likely, they will find someone outside of the marriage or leave because they have skills to support themselves. You don't have a solid base for a marriage with a stranger from another culture. Mail Order Brides want you to take them out of their miserable living conditions. And the guys think it would be so easy to get a submissive bride from another country. This certainly is not love. It is more like using someone to get what you want. She gets a ticket out of her country. And he thinks he's getting a woman that he can control. How fun.

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